Marriage with Intimacy

Written by Dr. Sidney Langston   

The fuel that keeps a marriage running smoothly is intima­cy. Intimacy, in the context of a life-long commitment, sets marriage apart from all other significant relationships. A marriage without intimacy is like a car resting on blocks in the back yard. It is a car, but it is no longer serving the function for which it was designed. A marriage without intimacy is still a marriage, but it does not fulfill its original purpose.

There are six different areas of intimacy: emotional, physical, spiritual, social, recre­ational and intellectual. An impor­tant ingredient in the ability and freedom to be inti­mate is trust. Trust is the solid belief, based on experi­ence, that each spouse has the other’s best interest at heart and that each is a place of safety for the other.

Adam and Eve enjoyed a perfectly intimate relationship in their home in the Garden of Eden, as portrayed in Genesis, chap­ters two and three. God instructed Adam and Eve to cleave to each other in emo­tion­al intimacy and to become  one flesh in physi­cal intima­cy. They enjoyed social and recreational intima­cy as they walked together in the Garden, exploring the wonders of God's creation. When God came to them in the "cool of the day," they were united in spiri­tual intimacy. Both of them understood God' s expecta­tions of them and His limits on their activities. This implies intellectual as well as spiri­tual intima­cy. God says that "the  man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed." Theirs was a truly intimate rela­tionship - with nothing to hide.

The immediate result of Adam and Eve' s sin was the impulse to hide. They tried to cover their physical naked­ness and at­tempted to avoid God  when He came to them at the appointed time. They were afraid and they were ashamed. When God confronted them with their disobedience, Adam blamed Eve, and Eve blamed the serpent. Their perfect intimacy was gone, their trust shat­tered.

Since that day intimacy has been an elusive element in many marriages. But it is possible for marital partners to develop intimacy in all the following areas if they will work at it.

Emotional Intimacy

Emotional Intimacy can be equated with emotional nakedness. It is self-disclo­sure which puts you at risk and causes you to be vulnerable. It is a willingness to share your dreams, hopes, fears, insecurities, inadequacies, strengths and weaknesses. Being naked with someone whether physically or emotionally demands a sense of confidence and safety that says the other person will not take advantage of you or destructively manipu­late you. This kind of trust requires a history of safety with the other person in which promises and commitments are consis­tently kept.

The relationship of Ruth and Boaz is an excellent example of emotional intimacy (Ruth 1-4). Because of Boaz' s kindness to Ruth when she gleaned in the fields, she dared to risk letting him know of her desire to be his wife, and he proved himself worthy of her trust.

Physical Intimacy

Physical intimacy involves two people giving them­selves to each other in a celebration of the eternal act of love in the context of marriage. Many scholars believe that the biblical book of Song of Solomon is a celebration of sexual love.

When individu­als marry, their bodies are no longer solely their own. They become " one flesh with their spouse, and their bodies belong to each other. Contrary to some popular belief, God does not frown on human sexuality when experienced within the bounds of marriage. God is the author of sexual intimacy and says it is good (Genesis 1:31). Furthermore God says that mar­riage partners are not to deprive one another of sexual fulfill­ment. In the event there is a decision to refrain from physical intimacy, it needs to be by mutual consent and only for a brief period, lest it give cause for one of the partners to look for their needs to be met elsewhere (I Cor. 7:5). If health issues pre­vent intercourse, it is important to remember that physical intimacy with your mate is still possible.

The question arises, how important is the expression of sexuality in marriage? When marriage is compared with an automo­bile, sexuality is to the marriage what oil is to the combustion engine. At least a little oil is necessary to keep the engine running. Without the expression of sexuality, a marriage engine will eventually break down.

Remember that if the sexual dimension is flowing naturally and each spouse is free to express their sexuality, it encompass­es only a small percentage of the relation­ship. The more sexual problems a couple has, the larger the issue of sex looms. The problem may engulf 80% of their relationship and be the only issue one or both spouses can think or talk about. Thus it often becomes the primary focus of their lives, causing a division in their rela­tionship.

Spiritual Intimacy

Spiritual intimacy involves talking about what God is doing in your heart and how your faith is a part of your daily lives. It is sharing how you receive your direction from God and how you see Him working in your family. It means discuss­ing meaningful passages of Scripture and how they relate to your personal and professional lives and especially to your marriage. Spiritual intimacy develops as you share your quest to know and practice your spiritual gifts and openly discuss your spiritual strengths, weaknesses and failures. Discuss with your mate whether or not you are fervently serving and walking with the Lord and if not, why not. Men need to look at whether or not they are providing spiritual leadership in the home.

Samson' s parents, Zorah and Manoah, are an example of a couple who received Gods message individually, shared their insights, and together sought to follow God' s instructions (Judges 13). In a similar way, Elizabeth and Zachariah, parents of John the Baptist, trusted God' s promises and obeyed His directives. Luke describes them as " both righteous before God, walking in all the commandments and ordinances of the Lord blameless (Luke 1:6).

Social Intimacy

Social intimacy occurs when couples plan and partici­pate in social events togeth­er. If there are social outings or require­ments that one doesn' t care for, be willing to make the best of a difficult situation and accommodate each other. Work together to balance how frequently you need to participate in social events and how these events enhance your social intimacy. Realize that, as a couple, you can be social by your­selves without other people present.

            Queen Esther, who saved the Israel­ites from annihilation by Haman (Esther 1-10), participated in a variety of social activi­ties with her husband, King Ahasuerus. She first approached him in a public setting in open court, and Haman' s schemes were exposed at a series of small dinner parties.

Recreational Intimacy

Recreation intimacy occurs when spouses plan recreational events that they can enjoy together. It is important to play together, whether it is a ball game, a trip to the beach or an evening out with friends. That doesn't mean that spouses cannot have sepa­rate recreational interests. But it is inappro­priate, for in­stance, for one spouse to play golf every Saturday and never plan a mutually enjoyable recre­ational activi­ty with their mate.

Perhaps the best Biblical examples of recreation are the many festivals established by God for celebration and worship (Lev. 23 & 24). Families celebrated together, even traveling to the temple in Jerusalem when that was feasible. These feasts were important social and recreational events in an age when life was hard and work was all-consuming. Jesus mother and father went every year to the feast of the Passover in Jerusalem (Luke 2:41), and Samuels family journeyed annually to the tabernacle in Shiloh (I Sam. 1:3-6).

Intellectual Intimacy

Intellectual intimacy involves three distinct cate­gories of intelligence. The first category is the ability to manage and effectively communicate ab­stract ideas and symbols. Mechanical intelligence refers to the ability to invent, under­stand and communicate the management of mecha­nisms. In our culture mechani­cal inability to use the VCR, dish­washer or comput­er can set the stage for conflict. The capaci­ty to act reasonably and wisely as regards human relation­ships and social affairs consti­tutes social intelligence. Spouses need to learn to commu­nicate on an intel­lectual level in all three areas as they apply it to their individual life­style.

Priscilla and Aquila (Acts 18) demonstrated intellectual intimacy in all three areas. They worked together in the hands-on trade of tent making. When they heard Apollos teaching in the temple and realized that he needed further instruction in follow­ing Christ, they invited him home and offered to give him the necessary instruction. They were both able to understand and communi­cate ideas, and they communicated them in a way which led to an endur­ing relationship with Apollos.

Working on all six aspects of intimacy can greatly enhance your marriage. It is a process and it will take time. But when you and your spouse become not only marriage partners, but best friends also, it will be worth it.

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Clinebell, Howard. (1970). The intimate marriage. New York, NY: Harper and Row.

Wright, H. Norman. (1974). Communication, Key to your marriage. Regal Books.