A Marriage Needs Communication

Written by Dr. Sidney Langston   

Betsy sat in my office with tears streaming down her face. "He never hears a word I say," she sobbed. "I try to talk with him, let him know what I'm thinking and feeling. But he only gives me a casual grunt or else he goes off on a ten-minute discourse that really makes me feel frustrated."

This is a common concern of wives who are hungry for intimate communication with their spouses. A wife needs her husband to listen to her and to initiate meaningful communication with her, rather than analyze her problems or give pat answers.

Men and women differ in the way they think, feel and act. If they were exactly alike, one person in the couple would be unnecessary. However, these differences can create conflict. Generally speaking, men function out of their left brain. This means they are very cognitive and factual in their approach to life and find it difficult to communicate at a feeling level. Often when their mates share a difficult problem, men immediately want to come to their aide with detailed instructions on how to fix it.

Women, on the other hand, are usually right brained and, as such, find it very easy to communicate their feelings. They care a great deal about how their opinions, behaviors and feelings will impact others. These differences can often create conflicts in the marriage relationship.

Meaningful, intimate communication with her mate is important to a woman. She wants to know what he's thinking and feeling and especially what he is thinking and feeling about her. Yet some men go for months, even years, without so much as a single intimate word.

The story is told of a man who was in therapy because his wife was in deep emotional pain, convinced he no longer loved her. The therapist finally asked him, "Sir, when was the last time you told your wife you loved her?" "When I married her 25 years ago I told her I loved her, and that if it ever changed, I'd let her know," he said. Apparently, it hadn't changed, but she didn't know it. She needed to know that her husband really loved and needed her.

It is not just more communication that women desire from their mates, but rather, more talk about the marriage and about their relationship. A wife desires to talk about shared dreams and hopes. She wants and needs to know that her husband respects her opinions, admires the way she manages their household and perhaps her job, likes her cooking, etc. and the way she looks. And she wants to hear it over and over again.

Communication research out of UCLA shows that the average woman speaks nearly twice as many words each day as the average man. A woman normally speaks about 25,000 words daily, while a man tends to only speak about 15,000 words. Therefore, it is understandable that men are content to engage in little, if any, conversation with their wives when they arrive home from work in the evening. They have spent all of their words during the work day, while women may still have almost half of their words left to use (especially if they have been in the home most of the day). It is no wonder that this can cause a great deal of stress and frustration in the marriage relationship. Each spouse needs to compromise in order to minister to the needs of the other. This may mean that the husband must "save up" some of his conversation for his wife, and likewise, she must not always insist on "spending" all of her words.

The fact that women desire positive communication with their spouses may sound a bit self-centered to men. If so, husbands need to ask themselves what they want to hear when they've fixed the dryer, brought home flowers or taken her out for the evening. Do they want to hear how handsome they look or what a good job they've done? In reality, we all need reinforcement and encouragement, and especially from our mates. When engaging in conversation with our spouses, it is important to remember that it takes 100 words of encouragement to balance every criticism.

A woman also has a deep need for gentle, non-sexual touching from her husband on a regular basis. Holding hands, a gentle back rub and a spontaneous hug are all examples of the kinds of touch that are crucial in prompting a woman to feel loved and secure. The UCLA research has also shown that men and women alike need at least 10 hugs a day to maintain and increase their feelings of love and security.

Communication also breaks down between couples when each expects the otherto be a mind reader. The truth of the matter is that no one can read minds. If we desire our communication to be meaningful and healthy, it is extremely important that we speak up, listen closely and discard subtle innuendoes. Like it or not, a wife gains her sense of self within a marriage from how her husband sees and treats her. She needs a husband who will tenderly offer his support and understanding, someone who will sit down with her and make an effort to communicate with her in a caring, understanding way. Ultimately, hearing what your wife is saying boils down to three words: STOP, LOOK and LISTEN. Stop long enough to find out the details. Look beneath the surface. Listen to her heart. A husband with this motto will discover the true joys of a fulfilling marriage.

Smalley, Gary (Speaker). (1988). Audio tape series, "Hidden Keys to a Loving Relationship". Pacoli, PA: Relationships Today Inc.

©Copyright 1992, El Rophe Center, Inc.