Infidelity—The Betrayal of Trust

Written by Dr. Sidney Langston   

When couples marry they promise to be faithful to one another in all areas of their lives: to the marriage itself; to friendship with the marital partner; and in their sexual relationship (Eph. 5:31).

Fidelity in marriage means that we are to protect the relationship against any outside interference. Not many people enter a marriage planning to have an affair. In fact, the majority of people in our nation disapprove of extramarital affairs.

Yet, research indicates that at least one half of those married will have at least one affair. In a documented study of 12,000 people in long-term relationships, it was observed that 26% of husbands, 21% of wives, 33% of male cohabitants and 30% of female cohabitants had at least one affair, dalliance, fling, etc. (Schwartz and Blumstein, 1983.) Such infidelity may signal an underlying problem in the relationship and often results in more difficulties for those involved (Mal. 2:10). Infidelity affects the lives of all couples—whether or not they are faithful to their partners (Schwartz and Blumstein, 1983) .

Sad to say many people believe these common lies or myths about affairs:

• Affairs are normal;

• Affairs can revive a dull marriage;

• Affairs are evidence that the unfaithful partner loves someone else more than the spouse;

• Any sexual activity is all right if it is done in love;

• It is unnatural to stifle any sexual activity;

• I have to do what is right for me;

• I can get out of this affair whenever I want; and

• I'll never get caught.

Actually, infidelity is a betrayal of trust. The affair and the secrecy about it result in distrust, misunderstanding and great distance between partners–undermining the health of long-term relationships (Mal. 2:14-15). Keeping the secret depletes the energy needed to work toward repentance, healing and possible reconciliation and restoration of the marriage.

Infidelity is always a terrible insult to the marriage partner as well as to the lover and their spouse. All the people it touches are victims because they are wronged, betrayed, used, abused, deceived and robbed. For example, a person who commits adultery wrongs not only his or her family and friends but also the sexual partner's family. In addition, the spouses of those involved in an affair are deprived of the fulfilling sexual experience to which they are entitled (1 Cor. 7:1-7).

Why do people have affairs?

• An affair may momentarily tranquilize a burdensome, anxious situation either at work or at home.

• One partner may use the affair to gain a new sense of power or control in the work place, at home or in life in general.

• Partners may find themselves in the grip of a passion which they cannot control (ie. sexual addiction, pornography, etc.).

• Affairs are often tempting compensation for marital love that has lost its luster.

• Affairs may occur when spouses allow the children's activities, their work or anything else to take precedence over the marriage. In the presence of this kind of neglect, both spouses receive only the leftovers.

• Some use affairs as attempts to get out of their marriages by letting their spouses discover what is happening and then letting them file for divorce. This releases the partner having the affair from the responsibility and “guilt” of making the initial move to terminate the marriage (Mal. 2:16).

• An affair may be generated by deep anger or outrage on the part of a spouse who feels either abused, neglected or in some way taken advantage of by their partner. Thus, the affair can become a means of punishment and revenge.

The yearning for romance is a common quest. Some use an affair to try to sustain a failing marriage by supplementing their lack of intimacy with outside involvement. The person having the affair is aroused outside the marriage, then returns to their spouse in the hope that the arousal will revive the marriage. Then there are those who are struggling with sexual dysfunction, incompatibility or frustration and may seek outside fulfillment. Doing something secret and forbidden with the potential of explosive consequences adds excitement to what is considered to be a confining marital relationship. Thus, the 3 R's of infidelity are resentment, relationship and rendezvous.

The harm caused by infidelity is very real. Repairing the damage takes great commitment (Heb. 12:1b), godly repentance (2 Cor. 7:10), energy (1Cor. 9:24), immediate and complete disengagement from the affair (Matt. 3:8), forgiveness and grieving of losses on the part of each spouse (Psalm 51). “Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity,” (Col. 3:13-14).

Healing is a beautiful experience and can lead to a healthy change in the relationship in which both partners can grow and enjoy a new-found sense of closeness, (Eph. 2:21-22).

All Scripture references are from the New International Version unless otherwise specified.

The Brown University Family Therapy Letter. (1990, 1992). Providence, RI:  Manisses Communications Group, Inc.

Dobson, Dr. James. (1986). Love must be tough. Waco, TX: Word Publishing.

Schwartz, Pepper and Blumstein, Philip. (1983). American couples: Money, work, sex. New York, NY: William Morrow.