Compatibility in Marriage

Written by Dr. Sidney Langston   

A  recent letter to Ann Landers began, “I am 19 and have made the decision not to marry. Why am I so cynical?” The writer goes on to describe several miserable marriages in her extended family. Referring to great-aunts, grandmothers and cousins whose husbands had died, she observed that “for every woman in our family who was genuinely saddened by her husband’s death, five blossomed, smiled more and did more exciting and interesting things after the death of their spouse. The quality of their lives was greatly improved and it is obvious that they love widowhood.”

The disillusioned teenager ended her letter with a comment that reveals more about her roots of cynicism. “My father is a grim, stern, joyless person, and I’m pretty sure that my mother will enjoy life much more after he passes away.” How tragic when the death of a spouse provides more of a sense of relief than loss!

In response to that column Ann Landers received “hundreds of letters” from women stuck in unrewarding marriages. People of all ages reported that their own marriages, and others they observed, did not encourage them to expect years of living together to produce the joys of intimacy.

Too often, what passes for a good marriage is a routine, superficially pleasant arrangement that may prevent loneliness and provide a place to live. A close look beneath the thin veneer of social courtesy often reveals tension, bickering and rage that threaten to shatter any hope of harmony. While no marriage is free from tension and the honeymoon always ends, problems and issues that go unaddressed and unresolved can lead to intolerable levels of pain.

If you are contemplating marriage, look for the following “marriageability traits” in your partner as delineated by Bill and Lynn Hybels in their book, Fit To Be Tied. If you find these traits in your prospective marriage partner, your chances of finding an emotionally fulfilling marriage are enhanced.
Spiritual  compatibility is like-mindedness on spiritual issues which enables partners to build a marriage from a common blueprint.

• Respect for your partner’s character means respecting your partner’s individual nature, integrity and moral quality. It means admiring who your partner is as a person.

• The ability to communicate is a key in all areas of intimacy. Communication is not merely talking, but being willing to be vulnerable, exposing secrets and being vigorously self-honest. It is not just listening, but truly hearing. Partners need to pay attention to each other in order to learn their individual communication patterns, so they can understand and converse with one another better.

• Mutual attraction is important not only in a physical and sexual sense, but also in terms of inner, spiritual and emotional beauty.

• Adaptability and flexibility allow you to adjust to change, accept the differences in your partner, adapt to a new lifestyle and learn new coping mechanisms.

• Empathy is the ability to enter into your partner’s world,  to feel what they feel, to be sensitive to their needs, hurts and desires.

• The ability to work through conflicts is essential to the survival of a marriage. Practical problem-solving skills are important. Equally important is what the Hybels refer to as “the spirit of reconciliation,” which is the desire to resolve conflicts as quickly as possible and live in harmony with each other.

• The ability to give and receive love may be hampered by childhood trauma or neglect. However, a marriage in which love cannot be conveyed in action, word and attitude will be far from intimate. Psychological research reveals that each person needs at least ten hugs a day.

• Emotional stability is the capacity to accept and express one’s emotions while keeping them at an appropriate level. It is important to be in touch with your feelings but not allow them to overwhelm and control you.

• Similar family backgrounds make for easier marital adjustments. For example, if your two families of origin celebrated the holidays in much the same way, it will be easier to agree on a shared celebration.

• Similarity between partners is a great asset to a healthy marriage. Similar likes, dislikes, interests and friends provide a platform for all six levels of intimacy: spiritual, emotional, intellectual, social, recreational and physical intimacy.

Good, healthy marriages don’t just happen. They take a lot of planning and hard work. If you’ll give your marriage the attention and care it needs, you can build a relationship that sustains romance, deepens awareness and increases intimacy year after year.

______________

Hybels, Bill & Hybels, Lynne. (1991). Fit to be tied: Making marriage last a lifetime. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing House.

Copyright 1993, El Rophe Center, Inc.