Denial

Written by Dr Sidney Langston   

We often hear a great deal about the importance of family values. However, little is said about those who want to have healthy families but have not had the opportunity to do so. Those who grew up in chaotic conditions in dysfunctional homes have developed behaviors that assault, even sabotage, the successful management of their lives as adults. Often, they do not have the emotional resources to provide a healthy environment for their own children. Because they grew up emotionally repressed, accustomed to denying their pain and discomfort, they have shut down their feelings and are keeping everything locked inside. From childhood they have learned that the expression of their wants and needs will only lead to rejection and intense feelings of inadequacy.  

As adults, they find it is very difficult to accept the reality that they are victims of dysfunctional family systems. This non-acceptance, or denial, keeps them from seeing the disabling behaviors they have developed. Denial is a learned pattern of behavior which protects people from the reality of their feelings and helps to repress emotional pain.

For many denial has been a major tool for survival.  As such it can be extremely deceptive, because it has the potential of blocking the truth from their minds. It cleverly protects them from realizing the consequences of their actions, because they simply do not acknowledge any responsibility for them. Another form of denial is manifested when people prefer to continue behavior that "saves face," rather than accept accountability for their choices. Or it may seem easier to hide from their true feelings by being overly attentive to their families, churches or jobs. Staying busy allows them to ignore their pain, thereby denying it.

Forms of Denial

Denial has many faces and can be easily masked. Some recognizable forms are:

• Simple Denial:  Pretending that something does not exist when it really does (e. g., discounting physical symptoms that may indicate medical problems).

• Minimizing:  Being willing to acknowledge a problem, but unwilling to see its severity (e.g., admitting merely to estrangement in a relationship when, in fact, there is infidelity).

• Blaming:  Blaming someone else for causing the problem; the behavior is not denied, but its cause is someone else's fault (e.g., blaming your parents for your current inappropriate behavior).

• Excusing:  Offering excuses, alibis, justifications and other explanations for our own or others' behavior (e.g., calling in sick for a partner when the actual cause of the absence is inebriation).

• Generalizing:  Dealing with problems on a general level, but avoiding personal and emotional awareness of the situation or conditions (e.g., sympathizing with a friend's flu symptoms when you know chemical dependency is the real problem).

• Dodging:  Changing the subject to avoid threatening topics (e.g., becoming adept at "small talk").

• Attacking: Becoming angry and irritable when reference is made to the existing condition, thus avoiding the issue (e.g., being unwilling to share your feelings).

As we become willing to admit our dysfunction to ourselves and others and enter into a program of recovery, the healing process will begin.  If we stop the denial and get honest with ourselves and others, it will empower us to examine the reality of our pain.  We can learn to look fearlessly at ourselves, accept those unwanted tendencies and grieve our losses. Over time feelings such as unworthiness, anxiety, depression and inferiority will dim and eventually disappear. As this occurs we will be able to recognize and utilize the strengths we developed in childhood. We can then move toward restoration of our self-worth and renewed family integrity.

Telling ourselves the truth can be a frightening and painful experience. But the rewards of doing so can be extremely beneficial to us as individuals and in our family relationships.  

If we hold to traditional family values and respect the home as the glue that holds our society together, let us each  begin to speak truth to one another and to ourselves. Denial defeats us, but truth overcomes that which holds us in bondage and drains the very life from our families. As Jesus said, "You shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free" (John 8:32). 

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The twelve steps: A spiritual journey. (1988). San Diego: Recovery Publications.

Copyright 1992, El Rophe Center, Inc.