Written by Dr. Sidney Langston   

Bryan came to my office in an attempt to work through some anger he was holding against his sister. He revealed this anger came from his perception that his father was more caring, supportive and financially giving to Sally. Bryan had a high-paying job, was well established in his community, and financially secure. Sally, on the other hand, was not well, physically, emotionally nor spiritually, therefore in need of more overall help than her brother. As Bryan and I talked, he cited example after example of how he felt he had been short-changed by his parents. The more he talked the more apparent it became that he was not only angry, he was resentful of his sister.

Over time, instead of this resentment abating, it grew. Session after session, all he could talk about was how badly he had been treated by the three significant others in his life. All my efforts to help him resolve his issues, to forgive others for his perceived injuries, and turn these matters over to the Lord failed. Finally it became obvious to me that Bryan was harboring a root of bitterness toward his family. 

He became bitter with God because he felt short-changed. He cried out, “Even after praying for a long, long time, God never changed anything!” This illustrates how the enemy uses bitterness to prevent an individual from personal insight.

This bitterness and anger manifested itself not only in my office by what he said, but he began to omit Sally from family events which he planned. What needs to be stated here is that Sally was totally unaware of why she was being treated this way. Bryan’s behavior obviously was creating a huge fracture in family relationships. 

During my years of practice, I have seen many clients that seem to experience a lag in their recovery because they harbor a root of bitterness within their spirits and their emotions. This bitterness can be directed at a person or event, and often even toward God because they believe He has failed them. I want to help these individuals and the readers of this article to be able to understand what bitterness is, where it comes from and what to do about it.

Webster defines bitterness as “having a sharp, disagreeable, harsh, resentful and cynical feeling or attitude toward another.” In the Old Testament, bitterness is represented as poison or venom; contentiousness and rebelliousness or disobedience toward God; or as a curse (Deut. 32:32, Jer. 2:19, Judges 5:23). New Testament meanings also convey the perception of wickedness which, as a bitter root, produces bitter fruit and bitter hatred; grief and exasperation; and it infects that which it touches (Eph. 4:31, Heb. 12:15, Rom. 3:14-15, Col. 3:19, Rev. 8:11). It denies our peace and destroys our relationships. We nourish it by our notions that we have a “right” to feel bitter. But if we let bitterness take root, we give up control of our own lives.

In my experience I have dealt with people who become very angry and unforgiving towards another and this unforgiving spirit leads to resentment — resentment to bitterness — and bitterness to hatred. Perhaps this is why God says in Eph. 4:26 “Be angry and sin not.” Anger in and of itself is not wrong, it is what you do with it that can make it sinful and destructive.

Because of the extreme fracture in Bryan’s family, I was left wondering if there could ever be any healing there; and what would be left of the family system after the parents were deceased.

From a spiritual perspective, we cannot hide bitterness from God or even from our own bodies. It may be manifested by a host of disorders, including glandular problems, high blood pressure, cardiac disorders, ulcers and many others. It feeds on our bodies for its energy and can paralyze our ability to cope. King Saul was destroyed by bitterness. He lost his kingship (I Sam. 15:28) and finally took his own life (II Sam. 1:19).

How do we Develop an Unforgiving Spirit?   _{(Stanley,1987, pp. 109-114)}

1. We get hurt;
2. We become confused;
3. We look for detours;
4. We dig a hole;
5. We deny it;
6. We become defeated; and
7. We become discouraged:  we seek help in the wrong place or we abandon the relationship.

Three Barriers to Forgiveness

I. A need to blame others shifts responsibility for your behavior to another person. This is a learned posture which comes from growing up in an environment of shaming, non-nurturing and negligence. Blaming blinds you and takes the place of making new choices which you would learn to do in a nurturing environment. Blaming blocks forgiveness. When you focus on blaming another, this removes any hope you have for growth within yourself.

II. A desire to balance the scales (of right and wrong) also comes from living in a shaming environment, but this is a vicious cycle. Man can never balance the scales of right and wrong. That is God’s prerogative, (Isaiah 53:10-11). If you can abandon the cycle of blaming and balancing, you are free to forgive.

III. The power of being addicted to pain is a tremendous barrier in your life. Your pain and misery only fuel your bitterness and fan the flame of more pain and misery. You gain a “pain fix” each time and eventually become addicted. When that happens, the results are self-destructive behaviors and broken relationships. This “fix” is an excited misery; although it is uncomfortable, it is familiar because of traumas experienced in your family of origin. In actuality you have learned to cope and survive with dysfunction—and having to learn new coping strategies can be terribly frightening. If you face forgiving the person that has offended you, then that leads to being faced with the possibility of choosing healthier, less painful patterns of living and relating. The powerful pull of “pain addiction” becomes a barrier to that forgiving and freeing process.

Symptoms of an Unforgiving Spirit   _{(Stanley, 1987})

• You can’t stand to be around certain people.

• You want to strike out at people when certain subjects are discussed.

• You lose your temper over little things.

• You struggle with guilt over things that happened in the past.

• You find yourself hating and hurting the ones you should love the most.

• You find yourself at the end of the day bitterly chewing over perceived wrongs.

Roles played by various parties involved in bitter relationships:

· Victim;

· Enabler;

· Co-conspirator;

· Persecutor; or

· Outcast.

The question arises, if a root of bitterness exists, what must one do to fully recover from this malady? First of all, we must be willing to forgive the offender even if they do not repent or ask for our forgiveness. Then we must put behind us the events that have precipitated the bitterness. 

Three evidences of a forgiving spirit as stated by Stanley (1987, p. 114) are:

1. We discover the truth (our sin);
2. We take responsibility (and repent); and
3. We are delivered (according to God’s Word, we are set free).

In my experience I have found that getting rid of a root of bitterness is a process and takes time. Unfortunately I have also learned that sometimes when we discover the truth we are unwilling to take responsibility for our actions. When we don’t accept that we are responsible for what we do, we are never spiritually or emotionally free, and reconciliation in the relationship cannot occur.

Reconciliation

God defines the ministry of reconciliation in II Cor. 5:17-20 and delegates the working of it to His children. This is a passage beseeching men to be reconciled to God and ultimately to each other. In Scripture, reconciliation is to change from enmity to friendship; to reconcile, leaving no impediment to unity and peace (Vines 1985).  The change effected is through the finished work of Calvary which cost Jesus Christ His life.

When we are delivered from an unforgiving spirit, Scripture indicates God desires reconciliation to occur. Oftentimes the problem can be reconciled but the damage to the relationship is so severe that restoration does not occur.

Scripture Indicates there are Three Kinds of Reconciliation, with:

1.  God – John 3:16, Rom. 5:10-11, II Cor. 5:20, Col. 1:20-22, I John 1:9;

2.  Others – Matt. 5:23-24, John 13:34-35, Rom. 12:9-21, Heb. 12:14; and

3.  Self – Rom. 7:21 - 8:2, I Cor. 4:3-5, Eph. 5:29, Gal. 5:22-23, Phil. 4:7.

Because of man’s flesh and hardness of heart, some people will never experience reconciliation in each of these ways. In the scenario with Bryan and Sally, Bryan is estranged from God, himself (because he lacks insight), and others (his family members).

Getting Rid of Bitterness

Forgiveness releases us from bitterness. As children of God, we have the capacity to forgive and root out bitterness from our lives. In Luke 6: 36-37, Jesus says, “Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful. Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.” Christ’s life within us makes it possible for us to forgive those who have injured us; we can allow Christ to express that forgiveness through us to others.

As illuminated by Stanley and many other theologians, God’s Word presents the

Prescription for Recovery from Bitterness:

• Make a list of the ways in which people have offended you.

• Make a list of your own faults.

• Make a list of the things you have done for which God has forgiven you.

• Ask God to help you view that person who has wronged you as a tool in the hand of God.

• Ask God to forgive you for your bitterness toward that person.

• Decide in your heart to assume total responsibility for your attitude (Eph. 4:31, Prov. 14:10).

• If you feel it is appropriate and will not cause more problems than it solves, go to that person, confess your bitterness and ask for forgiveness. Remember you are assuming the responsibility for your attitude, you are not trying to solicit repentance from your opponent/abuser.

We have two choices. We can allow bitterness to destroy us or we can allow God to develop us into who He wants us to be. 

References:

Collins, Gary (Ed.). Resource for Christian counseling. Dallas: Word.

Wilson, Sandra D. (1989). Counseling adult children of alcoholics. (Vol. 21).

Cosgrove, Mark P. (1998). Counseling for anger. (Vol 16).

Guralnik, D. B. (Ed.). (1986). Webster’s new world dictionary. (2nd college ed.). New York: Prentice Hall Press.

Minirth, Frank, Meier, Paul, Meier, Richard, Hawkins, Don. (1990). The healthy christian life. Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Book House.

Stanley, Charles. (1987). Forgiveness. Nashville: Thomas Nelson.

Vine, W. E., Unger, M. F., White, W.,Jr. (1985). Vine’s complete expository dictionary of Old and New Testament words. Nashville: Thomas Nelson.

Ward. C. G. (1984). The Billy Graham christian worker’s handbook. Minneapolis, MN: WorldWide.

Copyright 2003, El Rophe Center, Inc.