Parents frequently ask, “What can I do as a parent to help my teenage children get along? They are always bickering, calling each other names and fighting over everything. It gets so bad that it completely disrupts family life. They are even able to pit us as parents against each other so that it looks like we are taking sides, one parent and child against the other parent and child.”
When this scenario unfolds it is obvious that household tension rises and battle lines are drawn. Sometimes parents even feel as if they are failures because they often lack the skills to know how to manage this kind of problem.
In a situation like this, what a parent needs to understand is that adolescence is a period marking the end of childhood and setting the foundation for maturity. Biologically, its onset is signaled by the final acceleration of growth and the beginnings of secondary sexual development. Socially, it is a period of intensified preparation for the assumption of an adult role, and its termination is signaled when teens are accorded, or in some cases claim, their full adult prerogatives. In America the requirements for adulthood are not sharply defined; the adolescent must undergo a more prolonged and, at times, a confused struggle to attain adult status.
Psychologically, it is marked by an acceleration of cognitive growth and personality formation and is followed by the state of parenthood and the acquiring of an adult work role. It is during this period that kids develop the capacity to think abstractly, laying the foundation for them to develop their own value system. Initially, they tend to be very idealistic, which leads them to question, to examine basic premises, and to express dissatisfaction with the imperfections of the world as it is. A related theme of adolescence is the search for a sense of personal identity. No longer children and not yet adults, adolescents engage busily in determining who they are and what they are to become. They examine their family members and others from a more critical perspective and lean more toward peer groups for their sense of belonging. If their relationship with their parents has been soundly constructed, and if parents meet their doubts and criticisms with sympathetic understanding and truth, their relationships with them will have a firm and lasting footing: one in which there is mutual respect and personal independence. If the parent/child relationship has been one of excessive dependence or excessive hostility, adolescent turmoil will be prolonged and will lead either to failure of emancipation or to rejection of family ties and a lasting sense of isolation.
The family is an important agent in transmitting the behavior patterns and values expected of the adolescent by society. Peer groups also have a profound influence during this period of development. The adolescent’s sense of individual worth and competence is acquired by experiencing success at school and work and in mastering socially important tasks such as getting along with family members and others.
Thus, when such questions are asked about how to help our children get along with each other, I suggest that the parents need to establish a basic set of house rules which must be followed. Each child needs to know what to expect if there is an infraction. The consequences should be administered swiftly and consistently once the truth is known. If you have no such set of rules I suggest that the family sit down to discuss this together. Ask the teenagers what they think the consequence should be if a rule is broken. Once the rules are established, allow approximately a week for the family to become familiar with them and then agree on a date to begin enforcing the new standards.
If there is constant bickering between siblings, let them take their arguments where you cannot hear them. If indicated, listen to their problems, but no longer get caught in the trap of taking sides or becoming their mediator when they have a dispute. Let them settle it themselves. This will help them learn how to choose their battles, to develop problem-solving skills as well as some sophisticated coping mechanisms. In so doing they will become more aware of the need to learn about conflict resolution, how to make differences work for them instead of against them, and how to get along with other people. This kind of atmosphere can assist our children to become friends in the process of working through their disagreements.
When you see your children working together and getting along better, praise them for their hard work and express that you are pleased they are getting along so well. Let them know that you feel so much better giving them kind words rather than angry ones. Lastly, let them know that you appreciate their contribution in making home a more peaceful place in which to live. This kind of guidance helps set our adolescents on the path to lifelong, loving relationships.
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Freedman, Alfred; Kaplan, Harold; Sadock, Benjamin. (1976). Modern synopsis of comprehensive textbook of psychiatry, Ed. 2. Baltimore: The Williams & Wilkins Co.
Copyright 1992, El Rophe Center Inc.